NAC

Renaissance Magazine June/July Issue

I learned early on that collectibles and pets don't usually mix. Oh, don't get me wrong-they certainly love each other (dogs and Oriental carpets, cats and fringed Victorian sofas, and bulls and china closets), but they often don't cohabitate well (just like their owners).

It's amazing, however, that they both demand the same attention from their owners and provide nearly the same satisfaction. Take for example, the selection process. It's not always a logical or rational decision. One gets a pet through either a well meaning, but poor choice of gift, an accidental visit (he just showed up), or even worse, "I just had to have it-it spoke to me." One amasses collectibles in much the same way.

Vast numbers of precious and non-precious (downright trash) collections begin with the ominous, yet inconspicuous first gift. It could be a Hummel, a Christmas plate, or a tacky souvenir cap with a catchy saying like "Stupid bought this for me." Some just happen, like collecting match covers from special restaurants where the food wasn't as good as the match. Others are drawn to certain items, like mosquitoes to a bright vaporizing light. For some reason beyond comprehension, on must have those gaudy Florida salt and pepper shakers of the lady with the grapefruit size …

But that's only the beginning. Pets and collectibles need care and attention. This means basic food and housing. Pets need pillows and cages. Collectibles demand shelves and stands. (If you build them, they will come!) Pets need food and water, and although collectibles don't need the same, they seem to eat one out of house and home just the same.

Collectibles also need constant consideration-whether it is dusting the shiny surfaces, polishing the pre-depression silver, or re-arranging the recreation (not lately) room because one small (miniscule) piece was bought over the weekend. Some have to walk their dog; others spend hours combing the bisque headed doll's wig or oiling their Lionel model trains.

Have you noticed how collectibles and pets don't like strangers? They both should wear signs saying, "don't touch the thing-it bites." Even grandkids must be warned, lest they handle the precious badly and cause a violent reaction-a snap or a break. Or worse yet, they might develop a connection and actually like or play with it. (God forbid anyone enjoy it as much as I do-I might have to share.)

There are liabilities. Emergencies happen. Vets are needed. So are repair shops. Pet insurance is now commonplace. So is a homeowner "rider." And these things aren't cheap. Why either one or both combined can cost the amount of your original mortgage. But we must have them-just like life insurance. What would your loved ones do if you weren't here? (Probably get along very well, thank you.)

There are also numerous other issues. You've got to go out shopping. "What will I do with the dog? Where will I hide the Monet?" What if you stay out to late? "I've got to get back, Shorty will be missing me"-as might the rest of the inanimate gang (I get it. There's a reason he's called what he is!) Oh, what about vacation? Now that's a bummer. Can't go. "Who'll take care of Shorty?" Where will I put my jewels, the milk glass, and the signed autograph of Regis Philbin. Better just stay home.

Our loved ones or we live with these decisions every day. Fortunately, the prognosis is not all bad. Collectibles and pets can have good aspects. Here are a few (I couldn't think of any others): they both don't talk back-unless you collect reel-to-reel tape recorders (believe it or not, some people do). Neither refuses to admit that we're their owner-unlike some of our kids. Both can bring a certain amount of enjoyment to our lives-unlike our neighbors or kids (just kidding). And both can bring a smile to our face and be a welcome companion-just like a hot water bottle and a good shot of whiskey.

So maybe pets and collectibles do belong together (but not on the same rug). For many they brighten the day. They give a purpose to living. They may even lower blood pressure (my guess-maybe I could write a book and get on Oprah. It might become collectible.) What better way to spend some quality time than having an enchanting Teddy Bear picnic or getting a wet present from a fifteen-year-old schnauzer called Shorty?